The Petty Job Police

When I get especially frustrated with my trifling job, I like to think of more useless jobs I see around me, just for the fun of it. Or maybe I just like them because they would never exist in America and I like that people are doing them….sometimes.

Some examples:

1) Shopping bag stapler at Carrefore…this man staples your previously purchased things to make it IMPOSSIBLE for you to steal from the grocery store. I mean staples are made of steel.

2) Guards for unused parking lots…needs no explanation.

3) Menu Holder…this person (usually with a group of co-workers) holds a menu and looks expectantly at you, trying to entice you into their store by using mind control and ogling techniques. Unfortunately, it usually makes me want to run away and hide.

4) Baggage Checker at airport…not so much the job of comparing baggage and baggage claim ticket that’s useless but the fact that if you walk fast, no one will ever ask you to stop and get baggage checked.

5) Security guards…again, when the sensors on their wands beep wildly, they…LET YOU IN!

6) Assistant bus conductor…this man does his job for the pure pleasure. He’s not in it for the money, but he enjoys hanging out the door of the bus hollering the direction the bus is taking, right after the real bus conductor has made the announcement. “Malio-boro, boroooo,” for example. He usually has a cigarette in his mouth and tries to aim its noxious fumes back in the door near the faces of the many school children or innocent nun sitting nearby.

7) Half-assed parking attendant…these are the ones who expect 1000 rupiah without even putting a piece of cardboard over your motorcycle seat to keep it cool or storing your helmet in their office. What a rip!

8) Receipt-Writer, any department store requires you to first get a receipt from the section you are in for your purchase, then go to a cashier very far away to pay. The cashier must add up all the numbers again in confusing display of unrelated number combinations, even though the total is plainly written at the bottom of the original receipt. Then you must COME BACK to pick up your neatly rubberbanded, taped, plastic-bagged, stapled purchase. You may not have it until the receipt writer has squinted at the new receipt from the cashier for a good minute.

Oohh-Ahhh OOOH-AHH, Empat Mata

I have been trying to make myself watch more TV. I usually enjoy the ads more than the actual shows because I either can’t understand much of the meaning or I can’t get over the slapstick yelling comedy and soap operas. I have found a few shows I like to watch though. I will only be able to approximate their names as I can’t really remember them.

My favorite show of all (Indonesian) time, Is Surat Sahabat. Something like “Letters from a Friend.” It is geared towards a young audience and shows the lives of children all around Indonesia. I love it because it is so low-key and the children and their friends don’t mug for the camera. They help their parents look for snails to eat or kill chickens. They go to school in their tiny school rooms. One of the last shows I watched showed some kids, I think in Kalimantan, who were really jazzed because they got to buy a big blackboard for their school room; before they had one that was about 2 by 2 feet. This show is on in the afternoon when I go to the gym, and I get to watch it on the exercise bike.

Another show I like is called something like “Ten Times!” It has people pretend to “beg” for money in exchange for not undisireable products they are selling. When someone finally takes pity on them and gives them some money (usually about 2-5 dollars, a big chunk for a lot of people here), an announcer’s voice comes in (not unlike the voice of God) and praises them for being generous. Then the “beggar” comes back with a tv personality and they give the person 10 times the money they have just offered the beggar, plus their original money back. The givers are usually very joyful. The money is at most $50 but it means a lot to the people, as that could be someone’s entire month’s salary.

Empat Mata—Four Eyes
A “late night” comedy show akin to David Letterman, or at least a distant, distant cousin. He is apparently popular because he is humble and appeals to the “common” man. There is lots of slapstick humor and there are lots of silly jokes but I like it because four eyes doesn’t yell at or patronize his audience. He does have a catch phrase “oooh ahhh, ooohh-ahhhhh.” He also does lots of ads for virility pills for men.


My favorite ad is really relevant to the social climate in Indonesia. There is a young man at a wedding as a guest and everyone keeps asking him “Kapan kawin?” or “When will you get married?” He finally says “May.” And an auntie says “Oh! The month of May!” He looks sly and says, “May-be Maybe not.”

One of the younger guys at my school is getting married this summer and wanted to know when I am getting married. I told him sometime in the next 10 years. He found that remarkable. I find it remarkable when Indonesians can have a specific time period that they plan to get married, without a boyfriend/girlfriend in sight. I am sure they must find it remarkable that I could continue to go on for so long “alone.”I would be scared of marrying the wrong person. And they might be scared of not getting married at all if they’ve past their prime.

I just saw an ad for cigarettes, where this Indonesian guy “grows” dreads and starts playing music. The tag line is “Djarum, think black.” I don’t think that would go over too well in the US.

Oh and by the way, the only ads that are mildly funny (by my high standards) are for Mc Donalds and cigarette companies. Great.

What Title Do You Like Better; Nono Does Yogya, or The Chronicles of Mbak Yellow?

It is amazing how many variations I get on my name, even when I repeat myriad times. I am sure people feel the same way about my pronunciations of their names.
My taxi company announcer man calls me Ello. “Mbak Ello, ya?” “Willow, Pak” “Oh, Yellow, ya?” I get “Eeloh” Weelow, etc. Surprisingly this mistake is usually only with people I don’t see face-to-face. Indonesians in general are real good at remembering names when they are chatting you up charming Indonesia-style.

Pros and Cons of the Mandi

Pros:
I feel like a cute baby elephant showering myself with my trunk.
Cold water can sure wake you up or cool you down, two good things here.
The mandi pail usually works a lot better than the sad trickle from the shower head. Anyway, what’s a shower without hot water.

Cons:
If I did have hot water, I wouldn’t be mandi-ing very often, let’s be honest.
I love contemplating in a nice hot shower.
If you’re tired and just don’t want to use your arms to operate the water, let’s face it, a mandi will not cut it.
In the morning, I sometimes just can’t force myself to make my heart race so rapidly with freezing cold water.
With thin walls, I get to hear my neighbor’s mandis which usually include a serenade intermittently interrupted by disgustingly painful sounding throat-clearing. Ick!

Something to Keep in Mind

“Jalan sesat untik nikmat sesaat.”
“DRUGS! is a bad decision to have such satisfaction.”
I see this sign in the Jakarta airport every time I go there and, I must admit, it makes me want to experiment with some magic mushrooms.